Q:
Someone I’m friends with on Facebook just got divorced and has been posting frequently about how bad her marriage was. One post was about her ex-husband’s fetish for stinky feet, and how she had to go weeks without washing her feet so he’d have sex with her. I feel sorry for her, but I can’t help thinking less of her for “outing” the guy on Facebook. Am I wrong?
A:
No matter how crappy the marriage was, there’s no excuse for that. It’s not because a foot fetish is such a terrible, unspeakable secret. As secrets go, it isn’t even all that interesting.
I also don’t blame her for wanting to talk about the shit she put up with. It’s all very well for a fetishist to assert his kinky needs, but it sounds like he was an insensitive prick about it.
Her offense was posting the information on Facebook.
Usually I’m annoyed by commentary on all the ways that Facebook is changing life as we’ve known it. But I have to admit that Facebook does amplify the damage a vindictive ex can do. Before everyone and their grandmother was on Facebook, your friend might have unburdened herself about her ex’s thing for stinky feet by telling a few close friends. Even if they liked to gossip, it would have gone only so far. Most people wouldn’t care enough about it to repeat it. She probably wouldn’t have told her grandmother, the neighbors, and the parents of her kids’ friends from school.
If you’re only a casual acquaintance and you saw her post, all those people, and more, did also. Airing her grievance on Facebook might have given her satisfaction for an instant. Ultimately, it was just about the worst thing she could have done, because it spread bad feelings all around. It embarrassed her ex. It probably also embarrassed everyone who read it. She also harmed herself. Whatever people think of him, now everyone thinks she’s an asshole.
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